Once upon a time when my hair was much longer and I was more impressionable, I used to sing and play some guitar. I always wrote my own stuff, and very rarely covered anything. I was rookie and to this day I don't play well. Since I love making music, despite how badly I've messed up in the past, I decided to go to vocal school.
When I was a kid, I would pretend I could sing because that's how badly I wanted to sing like the pop stars. But I knew I just couldn't. I wanted to have a voice like Janet Jackson's.
When I was 10 years old, one of my friends asked me to sing for her birthday in front of the entire school. Though I was terrified, I went up on to the stage. I sang "Yesterday" by The Beatles. Toward the end, I got so scared, I began to shake. My voice was wavering and I knew I'd always had a strange sound than what people were accustomed to. After that experience, I stopped singing for a long time.
I didn't sing again until I was 14. When I would strum on the guitar I felt like a voice was being pulled out of me. So I would hum songs around the house and write lullabies on the guitar.
Since I was small, I've been told I'm a soprano. However, I love to sing alto. When my coach went into higher octaves, I would freeze up. I sounded like a dying squirrel. She tells me over and over: "support".
One day I received an email from her. "If you want to reach the high notes all you have to do is ask your body to allow you to"
With regard to reaching high notes, I start strong and then give in. For some time I was afraid to just commit. I tried as best I could but I just couldn't. I consciously decided, on each piano key, to go for what I wanted to sing, but I kept hitting a wall.
Disappointed that my hopes were being crushed the more I struggled with an octave, I'd stay away from my strange sound. I'd stop singing. I'd even stop playing the guitar and the zither (worried that if I ventured forward boldly, I was bound to be let down).
I would turn to other things to fill my time as I fell further and further away from my dream of one day being able to hear myself and find my voice.
For the first few weeks my teacher would tell me that she saw my body tensing and going into shock as I strained myself to reach beyond my comfort zone.
"I can't do it" I kept telling her. "I'm scared. I can't reach that high. It'll be really bad."
With time and patience I began allowing my body to fill up with air. I did many strange exercises- things I normally would think were out of my comfort zone and humiliating (if you want to get your diaghram working, try singing in a plank). I once even closed my eyes like nobody was looking and tried to listen to what my body was telling me. Little by little I saw a path toward what I was going for and I started to accept the sound that came from me, loving and appreciating the journey of whatever shape my voice took. It was hard at first to accept that I sounded occasionally like a car screeching alongside the road, but even that part I have learned to love.
"If you want to reach the high notes, all you have to do is ask your body to allow you to." she says.
She also told me "when you know you love what you're singing, you won't ever have to force anything. It will just be good". Attempt to sing the impossible songs because those are the ones that will strengthen your singing dexterity, but only if they're songs you can vibe with.
Many of us keep secrets with ourselves so as not to disrupt our own self image. But I know, If I want to go anywhere with this dream, however deferred it may be I have to be honest with myself and accept where I'm at and what I need to do:
I don't want to force my sound, but I don't want to settle for the low octaves and the easy songs. Despite how much embarrassment I've had, I know there is no shame in hearing my voice screech like finger nails on a chalk board. If that's what it takes to reach the higher octaves than so be it. I'll continue on this path, pressing in all the vulnerable places until I unlock the higher notes.
(Which isn't all that bad. I have good pitch!)
I know I can reach the high notes if I just ask my body to allow me to, but people underestimate the amount of courage it takes to ask~ for anything in life.
Every time I open my lips to sing a vowel, I feel like I have sung so many sounds but am only just beginning to acknowledge my own.
I am thankful that I am making progress with this dream. At 21, 11 years since I got up on stage to sing for my friend's birthday, I am practicing "Yesterday" by the Beatles with my vocal coach (at the highest octave possible).
I take what I learn to school with me too, where I have been in a vocal jazz ensemble called "A Whole Lotta Jazz Singers". It's funny to be in the midst of discovering your voice while learning to harmonize. I'm beginning to realize that there is a fine line between hearing yourself sing and knowing your sound well enough to never lose it, even amidst the fray of others.